The readings for today were quite shocking in that I can intently personally relate to them and yet be completely out of the loop of what they were talking about. In "Sex 'R' Us," when Douglas said that "the true path to power comes from being an object of desire, girls and women should now actively choose - even celebrate and embrace - being sex objects (156)" and "by submitting, you're in the driver's seat (157)!," I thought that she articulated exactly how I feel sometimes. I had thought about and felt this phenomenon in my own life and had wondered if it was just me; it felt good to know that this twisted sense of sexual power was something that all women are feeling, not only me. Even though it seems paradoxical, it can definitely be sold as the "real deal" to women, to the point that I even bought into it at times. It appeals to our sneakier, defensive side as well as our desire to have some semblance of sexual power, real or imagined - we think that if we submit and let men think they have all the power, then they will be completely under our thumb and not even know about it! Then if they ever do something stupid or hurt us, then WHAMBAM we whip out this power they were completely clueless about, totally shock them into speechlessness, and make them beg for forgiveness because, in reality, all men are crotch-driven slaves to women. Feeling like all we have to do is show a little leg or cleavage to render men powerless, drooling, and literally tripping over their feet to talk to us is incredibly satisfying; having this situation actually happen is a huge ego boost that rapidly becomes addicting, so if acting like a sex object makes these situations happen again, women (especially since the low self-esteem epidemic is everywhere) will do it. I remember one incident at a party where I was dressed rather scantily and all these men were coming up to talk to me; even though I know they "don't care what my middle name is" like Ke$ha so aptly puts it ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3taEuL4EHAg ), it still felt good that men thought I was attractive. This feeling is like sexual chess or a suspenseful TV show - men think they are about to checkmate women, but then women pull out their trump card and stun them or the good guys (women) finally catch the bad guys who think they've gotten away (men). This image - of men sniveling for us because they are so addicted to the sexual pleasure we provide - makes for a nice little ego-padding fantasy.
In "Lusting For Freedom," I had the opposite reaction. I am waiting to have sex because I don't feel emotionally ready for it. I've only had one boyfriend (which was only for four months) and I can't do the whole Colgate hook-up culture attitude towards sex - I get too attached, so I know I wouldn't be able to keep it casual. Plus I was emotionally abused by a man in high school and didn't really realize it until I cut off contact with him, so I am still recovering from that; he was the only one I loved enough to consider giving him my virginity, so realizing how he used me was a huge blow to my comfort around men and willingness to open up to them. Therefore, women who have a lot of sexual experience are completely alien to me. So when I read the part at when she lost her virginity at age 11, I was scandalized instead of trying to understand - what a lovely example of programming. While I was reading the rest of the article about her sexual exploits, I kept wondering why did I unconsciously label her a whore back then? Who am I to judge her? Who told me that if a woman has a lot of sex, she is automatically dirty, easy, a whore, a slut, and a myriad of other derogatory things? I eventually became proud of her for taking control of her sexual destiny and exploring an intimate part of herself. Hopefully that I am more conscious about my programming, I can start to root it out (and follow her example of using my sexuality to self-know instead of exploit).
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