Although the readings all were interesting, the article that stuck a chord with me the most was "The Body Politic" by Chernik because I have had personal experience with eating disorders and low self-esteem issues; when I was reading it, I got rather upset because it brought out a lot of memories I'd rather not relive. One of my good friends in high school became anorexic sophomore year - all the tell-tale signs like her exercising compulsively and refusing to eat junk food because she would get fat were glaring at us because she did a really bad job hiding it. I remember when she would only have a bottle of water for lunch while steadfastly claiming she had already eaten or would later even though she wasn't fooling any of us; maybe she was trying desperately to fool herself, I can't know for sure. My feelings of helplessness and frustration became overwhelming when nothing we, her parents, her therapists, or her teachers did got her to eat. She is still extremely anorexic to this day. I was angry at her because I thought she was being selfish and didn't care about how she was making all of her loved ones worry about her. Then I had my own bout with stress-induced anorexia for about two months because I had a lot of stress in my life - applying for college, my grandma's death the day after Christmas, my playing therapist for my screwed-up friends (who had everything from abusive parents to depression and schizophrenia to thoughts of suicide - I always kept my phone near me in case I got a suicide call because almost all of my friends were suicidal), and the emotional toll of being so in love with a man that was using me and emotionally abusing me (he was like a drug to me and I was the crazed addict). I stopped eating for two months; just the sight and smell of food would make me vomit. I couldn't keep anything down and I would go through school with nothing in my stomach. It was the lowest point in my life and when I read Chernik describe how she felt as an anorexic, I almost started crying because it was exactly how I had felt - lost, retreated inside myself, isolated, sad, desperate, shriveled mentally and physically, and full of self-loathing. I hated myself, hated how I was feeling, hated how I wasn't good enough for the man I loved so much. I never want to go back to that dark place and every now and then I wonder if I have the capacity to retreat back into that pathetic, lonely, self-hating creature I was senior year.
When Chernik talked about how society tells women that they need to be this size and that height to be beautiful or that they need all these qualities for men to love them, I knew exactly what she meant. The man I loved didn't love me back because I was not as society told me I should be - tall (I'm 5'2"), skinny (I have curves), beautiful hair (my dad called me "rat's nest" when I was little because my hair was so unmanageable), perfect skin (I had acne, which only got worse with the stress), etc etc etc. I became so obsessed with earning his love that I tried to conform to his standard of beauty, which was inevitably set by society. In failing to achieve this standard (not that anyone can fulfill it since no one is perfect), I began to hate myself, my self-esteem plummeted, and my stress worsened. I couldn't focus on anything else but what was wrong with me, just like Chernik described; I could not focus on schoolwork, running, my dreams, because I was incapacitated by my self-hate and self-pity; I would then stress more about my grades slipping and the like, which continued my downward spiral until I hit rock-bottom. The narrow, impossible standard for beauty and the expectation of perfection caused my world to crumble senior year because I thought I had to meet them for the privilege of being loved by a man. Thankfully my self-esteem is much higher now and I am happier with myself (but I am still a work in progress) because I have focused on loving myself and have seen that I don't need the earn the privilege of love because I have a right to be loved and cherished like any other human being. I hope Chernik's view of a society where women love themselves and are focused on their goals instead of their weight or dieting or earning male love comes true soon before other girls go through the pain my friend and I went through.
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